Words of Stone

This blog has been in the works for a while, but I could not write or post it unless I was careful of my words. A concept many people need to learn.

Some of my friends have noticed changes in me, and one of them being that I do not go to Mass as regularly as I used to. A select few have asked me why, and listened as I explained what I went through. While others choose to simply judge. They question my sanity, or they say “If you can’t find what you’re looking for at Mass, I don’t know where else you will find it.” Well, guess what, I did find exactly what I was looking for. Peace. Love. Acceptance. FAITH. And it was not found in a Catholic church either.

We’ve all heard, and probably recited or sang the silly line “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt.” However this is the furthest from the truth. For the hurtful words of a priest, someone we as Catholics are supposed to trust and go to when feeling like we need guidance of the human variety (knowing of course, that God ultimately guides.) Is what started my slow decline away from the Mass. Again, many friends defended him, saying his views are correct. Others ignored the fact that I said a priest said these hurtful words, instead choosing to believe it was “friends” that said these things. IT. WAS. NOT. It was a priest. Yes, he is human. BUT he claimed his words of opinion were Doctrine. What did he say exactly? That I am a failure in the eyes of God because I cannot have children. That women are either meant to become religious sisters, or marry and have children. That the church merely tolerates the single life, because too many people are focused on the world and would rather have a career than a family. If I were to marry, I could adopt or try hormone therapy to “make myself whole in the eyes of God again”, but since I am selfishly choosing not to marry, I must confess my “sin” of infertility and “unwillingness” to follow God’s will as a Catholic Woman. Hearing these words hurt me, let alone a stone, like a knife. A sword even. And to have some friends agree with him made it even worse. Let alone the fact that I carried a life inside me for nearly 3 months (a shock for some of you, but more on that in another posting) clearly is nothing to a priest. This bothers me, because we are told Catholics embrace ALL life. A woman who is in danger of aborting a fetus, or perhaps has had an abortion, you hear “that baby loves you and knows you, Jesus forgives you.” Yet a stillborn or miscarried baby…nothing. No masses, no remembrance, no comfort.

You’re probably saying “Those are just words, don’t stop going to Mass because of words. You know Jesus isn’t that way.” Honestly—-no, I don’t. Because a priest is supposed to represent Jesus to his flock, and if that is how a priest feels about a member of his community, who is a “failure” because her body is broken, or because I’m choosing not to marry because I will not be able to love my husband entirely (sexually speaking), which somehow is the Catholic Church’s business…. He said those things to me, claimed they were backed by Doctrine…..but imagine how many other women fall into these categories?

I have not given up on God, I have merely found him where it is truly between him and I. No expectations, no desires, no “you must have children or you fail”, no eat this on this day, until you turn a certain age then you don’t have to anymore. None of that—-I found a church where I am loved, not only by the community of believers that surround me, but also, i Truly feel loved by God. I have had experiences during worship that I’ve never experienced in a Catholic Mass.

I will always be Catholic at heart, but The Catholic church is not sensitive where it should be. A woman who has lost a child should be able to go to her Priest, or a group of women at her church, and be comforted…not met with silence, or told she’s failed, or that she’s not even a “real” mother. The Catholic Church also puts too much emphasis on his death—we know the sacrifice he made for us, but he also ROSE on the 3rd day…and remained risen. We are meant to be Christ on this earth, and this is the basis of Christianity, which the Catholic Faith is a part of. We are not all going to be attached to a tree, thats not going to save souls and multiply his vineyard—being his hands, his feet, his heart….reaching out to those that need it most. THAT is how we are supposed to live and be. And that includes our words.

If you consider me a friend, please, instead of judging my choices ,or saying hurtful words about me finding Christ in a different church….save it. Just don’t. Maybe instead, stop, check and see when the last time we actually talked to each other was….Have you: ASKED me personally what happened? Or have you just assumed I’m being selfish, or confused and I’m in the wrong? Because if you can’t be happy that I am finally happy, have a faith that I feel comfortable in, even if you don’t agree with it or understand it, lets just say you’re going to be in for more and bigger surprises in the future.

Let he who is sinless cast the first stone… before you judge me, check in the mirror. Ask yourself if you’ve been a friend, if you’ve offered to listen, instead of assumed I was wrong.