We’ve passed Easter, and Divine Mercy Sunday. We’re almost to Pentecost Sunday. However, some of you may have noticed I’ve been “different” lately. Quiet. Reflective. Distant. Depressed even? If you use any of these words to describe me lately—-you may be right.
And there’s no rhyme or reason as to why—-it’s nothing serious. I’m not clinically Depressed. I have just gone through a dark night of the soul. Something I can’t describe in words—-because it’s nothing specific that causes it. It’s more of a spiritual moment that God allows people to go through, in order to reorganize our lives and refocus our attention on HIM.
Things in life have actually been going well—-I’ll soon be starting my new job as Unit/Department Coordinator in the CDU-ED, which I am so excited for. I’ve added many new friends to my list, and reconnected with people who have always meant a lot in my life. But yet…..I still felt empty. My heart was dark. My soul was shattered and broken. I knew this was God. He was calling me to face these moments of darkness head on. And so I did—-with him by my side.
I re-visited events in my life—abusive moments, moments of fear and low self-esteem. My miscarriage. My broken spirit over how my mom’s family has treated me, and the wound of my father’s family doing the same thing. The loss of my father, the eventual loss of my mother. All of these I had to face head on, and allow myself to heal from. And the only way I could do that—–was through HIM.
So yes—-I did momentarily disappear. You may have noticed my postings on facebook were either quotes or cemetery photos, but rarely anything personal. You may have been expecting me to join you somewhere, only to discover I backed away and didn’t go. No, I did not do it on purpose. No, it’s not you, or anybody. It’s myself. I’m going through a spiritual construction of sorts. While construction has developed well, I am still sort of in-between. I’m still working on myself, and focusing on my faith. If I say I’ll get together with you AFTER a morning or afternoon mass. Or if I excuse myself from an event unannounced and seem to disappear—–don’t hold it against me. Let me grow. I’m learning to listen. I’m discerning which direction my life will take—-I’m discerning which vocation GOD wants of me—-rather it’s a religious sister, a member of a third order/secular institute, a lay single woman, or a married woman who just hasn’t found Mr. Right. I’m accepting and grieving parts of my life that MAY or MAY NOT be in God’s plan for me. At least in the way we all think.
Most importantly—-I’m preparing for a big door that recently opened in my spiritual life. I’m proud to announce that “SACRED BROKENNESS: A message of mercy and healing” will finally kick off at Blessed Sacrament Parish in Manchester, on Wednesday May 23rd, at 7PM. This is the first, of what I hope will be many times for the Holy Spirit to blow us away and heal, and minister to the many broken hearts in our own neighborhood and communities.
I ask for patience—please do not leave me as I’m learning to listen and grow closer. I ask that you do not judge or insult my decision to discern a possible vocation—that you refrain from telling me I’m giving up on love, or I’m hiding in faith—-I am not doing any of these things, I am simply facing the fact, that, for some, Jesus is meant to be our spouse, rather in a convent or living singly and for him and his work.
And lastly—most especially—-I ask for prayers. Discernment and healing are a process that go together. And I ask that you keep me in your prayers during this walk, this journey of faith. And I also ask that you pray for whomever will come to my talks. That the Holy Spirit calls the most wounded, those most in need of healing, those who need to shred their chains and embrace the healing mercy of God, and the power of his Holy Spirit. Regardless of faith, or church attendance—-let them come and be freed by the Holy Spirit.
God Bless You